Subject:   Steamed like hot buttered spinach
Date:       8/26/2006 9:54:13 /AM Central Daylight Time
From:      D.Grove@yahoo.com

Dear Omijubow,
 
Well my friend, I would like to say I'm doing just fine, but that would be an outright fib.  Every since my wife left me over this money business I've been eating canned beans and Ritz crackers and now my ulcer is acting up something fierce, and to make matters worse, I've got a screaming case of hemorrhoids to boot.  And if this isn't bad enough, the money I thought I could borrow from Mother is gone.  It seems she was swindled out of it by some crackpot who sold her some bogus insurance over the Internet.  So all of my financial contacts have run dry, you see.  In fact, since you're such a good friend and all, I was wondering if you could spot me $800 for my upcoming court case with the wife.  She's the one with the dough, but I still need to foot the bill for the divorce.  Sweet God in heaven there is no justice!  I was just trying to lend a friend in need some cash and she goes all flooey on me!  Anyway, the only reason I'm asking for a loan is that you're such a good friend.  Maybe you have some nice people in Nigeria who would feel sympathy for a sad old man like me.  You can just send me a check or maybe some of those carved-up elephant tusks or something.  Any little bit would help.  Oh lord, I think my gums are starting to bleed...
 
Your friend in need,
 
Old Man Grove
_________________________________________________________

Subject:  borrow moneys ok
Date:       8/27/2006 3:43:28 AM Central Daylight Time
From:      Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com

Hello Old Man Grove

i told you not to fight with your wife, why do you do that? i can understand all you are going thru now, am so sorry for that i cause it, i not happy at all… i will like to be with you there so that we can take care of everything together ok…i want you to borrow the money from anybody you think that can give it… cos i have use all my money to buy goods that i can sell when i come to state, try and get the fund and live the rest for me to settle…what are friends for....send the money as soon as possilbe so that i can come..is getting late ok
___________________________________________________

Subject:   Dear Lord, Why me?
Date:       8/28/2006 5:34:03 /AM Central Daylight Time
From:      D.Grove@yahoo.com

Dear Ojowobow,
 
Well, I'm glad you are so understanding, but things have really dissolved into a puddle of despair.  The wife has kicked me out of the house and I'm now living in my car in the library parking lot.  It's not easy on the back but I'm able to plug a hot plate into an exterior outlet, so at least I'm able to warm up some soup for lunch.  I tell you, women can be so cruel.  Not only has she taken everything, but now she's threatening to get custody of my dog Mr. Frisky.  After that dog's gone I have nothing, not even my health.  I'm starting to piss red and I don't care who you ask, that just can't be good.  But, when you're this low, there's nowhere to go but up.  The good news is I've figured out a way to pay for your ticket to America.  I'll just break into the wife's house and swipe her grandfather's purple heart.  He was a big deal general in WWII and he got his left ear blown off by a Kraut.  I'm sure the thing's worth a small fortune, so don't you worry, I should be able to pawn it off sometime tomorrow.  I’ll have to wait till she slips out to have her hair done, then I'll just pop in the bathroom window, no problem.  You're the only person I can trust right now, and thank God you're a man!  I've had it up to here with the female persuasion.  They just don't understand honesty and helping out a fellow in need. 
 
Your's interminably,
 
Grover

___________________________________________________

Subject:  i will rescue u, ok
Date:       8/29/2006 5:25:08 AM Central Daylight Time
From:      Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com

Hello Grover

how are you doing ...i hope all is well...i will come to rescue you out of the situation you are now at. i have goods that i will sell when i get to you...,we can start our bussiness there…i want the friendship to be one on one friendship...ok…i have elephant tusk, african attires, i also gold with me, i have pakaged everything so that when i get there you will help me to locate where to sell them…please just make sure you send the money…time is running

___________________________________________________

Subject:   Recent developments
Date:       8/30/2006 11:04:53 /AM Central Daylight Time
From:      D.Grove@yahoo.com

Dear Ojimbowah,

It's nice to hear a fellow of your character is standing by me, but truly, I think I may be beyond help.  You see, my bowels have cramped up and I haven't been natural for over a week, if you know what I mean.  And I have some real bad news - I had to hock the motorcycle and sidecar to pay for some legal fees.  I turns out, when I snuck into the wife's bathroom window the other day to snatch the war medal, she called the police and they took me in for breaking and entering.  So now I'm out on bond and I think I'm being followed by one of those undercover fellows.  A man with dark glasses and shiny shoes has been parked next to me at the library.  He keeps glancing over at me then talking into his sleeve.  But here's the good news, I was able to grab the wife's diamond parrot pin off the dresser and throw it in a bush right before they nabbed me.  I picked it up later and pawned it for $500.  So just this morning I sent the funds, just as you said.  Keep a look out for it today, then we can have a long talk about setting up a shop here in America.  I have big dreams about selling carved elephant tusks, panther foot rests and maybe some of those crazy armadillo baskets.  Anyhoo, even though I've had a run in with the law, somehow I feel things are looking up for us.
 
P.S.  Let's make sure to sell some of those lion skin rugs and gazelle ashtrays too, I bet we’d make a mint!
 
Your man with a plan,
 
Big Daddy Grove

___________________________________________________

Subject:  send money don’t forget ok
Date:       8/31/2006 2:05:48 AM Central Daylight Time
From:      Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com

Hello Big Daddy 

i understand what u went thru...ok, i will be coming immidietly…just send the money!!!! the western union manager says that you will be given a MTCN , that is a ten digit number that i will use to collect the money from western union here…ok

___________________________________________________

Subject:   Hello Africa!
Date:       9/01/2006 9:34:03 /AM Central Daylight Time
From:      D.Grove@yahoo.com

Dear Ojimbaway,

You can stop worrying, you should receive the $500 today. I sent the funds to you, Ojimlano in Niger, just the way you said.  The control number is 796500314.  Listen to this, last night, in the front seat of my Pontiac, I used a flashlight and a napkin to design our new African crafts store, and I must say she's a real beauty.  I'd like to call it "Afrostuff!" but if you can think of another name, let's hear it.  I have great visions for us in the future.  I'm just sure we'll make a million.  I mean who wouldn't want to buy antelope bookends for gosh sake?  And with the money we make, I can finally get myself that operation, because I think I'm still bleeding from the gut.  Also my gums are mushy and I have fierce shooting pains in my lower abdomen.  Not that the wife cares though.  She told me I could drop dead and take my crooked, thieving African friend with me.  See, she doesn't know about the business plan and the millions we're going to make.  I must say, I am having a little trouble getting around these days as I don't have enough money to pay for gas.  I just have to park here in the head librarian's spot and pretty much sit around all day.  People are starting to look at me funny and the kids are throwing pennies.  But, I'm anxiously awaiting your arrival.  Today I think I'll walk over to the old VFW to see if they have enough space for all of our tusks and what not.   After all, I did serve for three months in Korea before my knee sockets gave out.  Hey, do you suppose we could sell some of those banana machetes?
 
Keep in touch, I need you now more that ever,
 
Capt. Grove 3rd Battalion

___________________________________________________

Subject:  plese fix ok
Date:       9/02/2006 3:25:27 AM Central Daylight Time
From:      Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com

Hello Grove 3 Battalion

i saw your mail but i dont understand the information you send…the MTCN is ten digit, the one you send is 9 digits, and the name and the location you send is wrong..ok, i want to come to you in time friend, cos you are going thru all these because of me…tell me full information so that i can come to save you…ok Pleas go back there in western union to GET IT IN ORDER…OK!!  Am waiting FOR U…PLEASE HURRY!

___________________________________________________

Subject:   Oh sweet Jesus…
Date:       9/03/2006 9:34:03 /AM Central Daylight Time
From:      D.Grove@yahoo.com

Dear Ojimbalo,
 
I’m sorry things are so confusing, but I've got some bad news.  I went back home to pick up my favorite fishing rod in the garage and the wife raised holy hell a soon as I walked in.  Well, we had a real holler fest and I lost my temper, and I know this sounds shocking, but I shot her.  Now I don't want you to get the wrong idea.  I'm a good, god-fearing man and I wouldn't hurt a flea, but that woman can get me so skull-shaking mad sometimes I don't know what to do.  Don't you worry though, I didn't kill her, I just winged her real good, so she won’t be causing us any trouble anytime soon.  She just doesn't understand honest to goodness man-on-man love. But now I'm on the lamb, you see.  In fact, I had to hightail it out of there and leave the state. Now I'm holed up in Michigan in another library parking lot just so I can use the computer system.  I'm afraid I'm in big trouble Ojimbalu, and only God can help me now.  Please, you must come and save me.  I am a wrecked man without much will to live.  Sometimes I just feel like the world would be a better place without me. 
 
Dear God please help me, I'm on my last leg, and now that’s bleeding too...
 
Grove

___________________________________________________

Subject:  my hope is u
Date:       9/04/2006 1:05:27 AM Central Daylight Time
From:      Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com

Hello Grove

how is health, good I hope…Please u must fix this, western union number is only 9 digit…AGAIN…send the info like this so that i will be able to collect the money, Please hurry…do it right…am counting on u… send it like this, ok

SENDRS NAME...YOUR NAME
RECEIVERS NAME...OLUBUNMI OLAWOYIN
LOCATION......NIGERIA, OGUN
MTCN...........# (10 digit, not 9 ok)
AMONUT,,,,$500

___________________________________________________

Subject:   I must be whacko or something
Date:       9/08/2006 11:14:43 /AM Central Daylight Time
From:      D.Grove@yahoo.com

Dear Ojimbeebe,
 
I'm sorry I have been so absent lately, but I've been on the run.  It isn't right to keep a good friend like you waiting, but things have gotten real sticky around here.  I don't really feel safe in this Kalamazoo library parking lot anymore since I robbed a fellow the other day.  Now don't get me wrong, it was a bad thing and I know it, but a man can't live on crackers and rain water forever!  You see, this fellow was dozing off in the magazine section and I snuck up and swiped his wallet.  I felt real bad about it, but I ran clean out of cash and I needed something to get me through dinner.  He had $40 and a Visa card which reads Spurlock P. Crudlow 4856 9677 1279 3496 exp 3/09.  I figure you can use this to buy yourself something nice like a monkey cart or some African cigars.  Don't feel bad about it, he was a sinister looking fellow with a beard and he smelled like swamp rot.  I hate to say it friend, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to move on soon.  The librarians are starting to grumble on account of my lingerings in the "P-Q" aisle.  Oh I forgot, the missing number in the Western Union code is 3.  My apologies, my head is just bat-wing crazy these days and I know my spelling can be spotty.  I'm in big trouble friend, my gut is leaking red and my vision is failing.  I don't know how I'm going to make it to the state border by sundown.  Please get here soon and help me!
 
Your friend,

D. Grove

___________________________________________________

Subject:  resend ok
Date:       9/09/2006 3:35:07 AM Central Daylight Time
From:      Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com

Hello D. Grove

now look, the control number is not correct…please resend it…please may this done in time, you are the one delaying me, I want to come to you and rescue you of the problem you are going thru…send me the full information of the western union…am wating for your fast response so that i can join you soon…please stop delaying!

___________________________________________________

Subject:   Now look…
Date:       9/10/2006 8:13:03 /AM Central Daylight Time
From:      D.Grove@yahoo.com
 
 Dear Ojimbawhuh,
 
Now don't go getting all testy on me.  You don't know what I've been through trying to get you that money.  I've lost my house, my wife, my health, even my dog, and now I've got the law coming after me.  I don't want to hear how you miss your home, I'm starting to even question you ever lived here.  Oh what am I saying?  I must be losing my mind from hunger.  I haven't eaten anything but chewing gum and corn nuts in the past 48 hours.  I had to flee to another state yesterday on account of the Kalamazoo police chasing me all over hell and gone.  I'm holed up next to a dumpster at a Duluth library right now.  I've only got $6 dollars left and I think my hair is starting to fall out.  I've got a small pile of it collecting in my cup holder.  Anyway, if it makes you feel any better, I went to the Western Union office this morning and resent the funds.  I made a mistake last time and messed up a few things, I know.  But, you'll be happy to know I was thoughtful enough to send the funds in Nigerian money.  I figured you wouldn't be able to use U.S. dollars too much over there.  Anyway, the new number code is 3569845120 and I got the name right this time.  Since I apparently sent the old $500 to the wrong fellow (in Niger, which must be next door) I re-sent the new 500 in your local Nigerian Nairas, which comes to about $3.75 in U.S. dollars.  Don’t worry, I found it under the seat of the car, so it shouldn’t set me back too much.   But heck, I figure that will go a long way over there in Africa.  That will buy a lot of rice and tiger darts if I'm not mistaken.  As soon as you get the money, please, you must come and save me.  You're my last hope.  I found a hacksaw on the side of the road the other day and if I don't get myself out of this mess and set up our business soon, I'm going to have to take drastic measures.  And let me tell you, I'm not afraid.  I'd rather die by my own hand than be carted off to jail and left to rot in a stinking cell.  Oh lord, the dark side is calling.  Please, for the love of Jesus, help me!
 
Your friend “D. for Disaster”

___________________________________________________

Subject:  STOP DELAYING!
Date:       9/11/2006 4:05:37 AM Central Daylight Time
From:      Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com

Hello D for Disaster

please…i understand all u are going thru...ok....but u are the one delaying me! the money should be $500, not $3.75..ok, that is not enough… send the correct funds so that i can be able to pay for the ticket, i am waiting…you hav to stop delaying

__________________________________________________

Subject:   Goodbye from the Big D
Date:       9/12/2006 6:03:53 /AM Central Daylight Time
From:      D.Grove@yahoo.com

Dear Ojimwahuh,
 
I caught wind from the little book-stacker girl that the state troopers were looking for a fellow who had robbed a man and shot his wife.  Well, sounds a lot like yours truly doesn't it?  I'm afraid it's too late for me friend.  You'll just have to get to the U.S. and start your tusk and dart business without me.  Lord knows I tried to do the right thing and help a friend in need, but criminey, everyone's against me!  I'm a good man, you have to believe me, but that old rusty hacksaw is calling.  I don't want to go to jail, see.  I'm going to use my last 50 cents to buy a Snicker's bar, then I'm gonna do myself in.  I mean it.  It's curtains for the Old Grover.  I've lived a full enough life, now it's time to make a date with the man in the big black robe.  Death is what I'm talking about Ojimbawaha.  I'm sure you've got plenty of that where you come from.  Hopefully it won't be too painful.  Just as soon as the worn, jagged metal scrapes through my neck skin and all my lifeblood pours out on the floor of my Pontiac, I will at last be fee.  So I guess this is goodbye.  You've been the best friend a man could ever have, and I want to thank you for that.  Think of me when you sell your first poisoned frog dart to a U.S. customer.  I'm sure you'll be very successful. 
 
Goodbye friend.  See you on the other side.
 
D. Grove - "a man who tried to do what's right, that’s all"

___________________________________________________

Subject:  what happening
Date:       9/13/2006 2:25:52 AM Central Daylight Time
From:      Olubunmi4u7@hotmail.com

Hello D Grove
 
i can not understand what u are saying......i want to come and rescue you....i said you should send the money to me so that i come to you in time .....tell me where u are now so that i can locate you when i come over…please am waiting for your reply

___________________________________________________

Subject:   Will and Testament of Mr. D.L. Grove
Date:       9/22/2006 11:00:23 /AM Central Daylight Time
From:      Wwotitskie@wlp.com

Dear Mr. Olubunmi,

I am grieved to inform you of the death of your friend Mr. D.L. Grove, I’m sure he meant a great deal to you and your family.  On behalf of Wotitskie, Wotitskie, Moss and Shankman Legal Consul, I would like to inform you of Mr. Grove’s last will and testament, in which you have been included. 

The contents rewarded to you from the Grove estate include one penknife circa 1963, a Samsonite suitcase containing rocks, shells, and various bits of concrete, and a check for the sum of 500 Nigerian Nairas (total $3.75 U.S. dollars with current exchange rate). 

To claim this inheritance, please send me a shipping address where the items may be sent.  I am very sorry for your loss.  Let me know if I can be of any service to you in your future legal needs.

Yours truly,

William Wotitski III,

Wotitskit, Wotitski, Moss, and Shankman Attorneys at Law
358 Main St.
Holy Bluff, MS 39088

                       ------------------------------------------------

Since receiving this legal notice, Olawoyin Olubunmi has not replied.  To report Internet fraud, please visit Internet Fraud Watch at http://www.fraud.org/.

                       -----------------------------------------------
              
          American Sideshow is brought to you by...
                      The Gallery of Fascists